I HAD A DREAM

I had a terrible dream last night.  I don't know if any of you have had one like it, but it was a different kind of nightmare.  All night long I dreamed of making mistakes.  Everything I did was a disaster. I couldn't get anything right.

When I woke up I was thrilled to at least be able to get out of bed without falling.  It really shook me up. 

I've always struggled with perfectionism.  Even as a small child I would get frustrated that I couldn't do something right or well.  I often wonder how many things I missed out on because I couldn't be perfect at it. 

It would be easy to blame this tendency on my parents, but they were always encouraging and never chastised me if I didn't perform at the highest level as long as I made my best effort. In our house it was the trying that mattered. I remember many times when my parents would tell me that it was OK to screw up from time to time, and that everyone did. Unfortunately, their patience and understanding couldn't change who I was. I believe I was born this way. 

As I grew older I realized that there can be fun in playing a game and still losing, and that I could push through difficulties and either succeed or fail without the world coming to an end. It's interesting that now, when I'm retired and can do what I want and no one cares whether I'm good at it or not, it still bugs me when things don't turn out perfectly.

The worst thing is that if I'm not satisfied with what I'm creating I tend to just put it away and try to forget about it. When I look at my pile of WIPs I feel even more discouraged. I know that the only way to learn how to do something well is to figure out what not to do, and that only comes with failures. Leaning how to fail and still be OK with it is something I still struggle with.

One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to help other quilters who struggle with a lot of the same things that I've been dealing with for years. I tell you what's worked for me, and what I've observed about life, but that doesn't mean I have all the answers. If only I did! Wouldn't that be perfect?

It's funny that my first art related job was at a company whose logo said, "Perfect Will Be Just Fine." Wow, I wish I'd realized at the time that God was trying to tell me something.  Perfect is fine, but then again fine doesn't have to be perfect.  It just has to be sufficient for it's purpose. For some of us it's hard to make that connection. Oh, and that job and company were far from perfect, (isn't everything?).

Besides, I think we all know that perfection is an illusion. Is anything ever really perfect? And who defines what perfect is anyway? What might be the perfect pair of shoes for one person would be considered hideous for another. We all have different tastes and preferences. When you look at it that way, it seems even crazier to expect perfection from yourself or anyone. 

Last night's dream sent me through a continuous series of embarrassing moments and disasters, all of which should have been avoidable, and a lot of them not even close to being my fault. I was a victim of circumstance. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was exhausting. I kept trying to get out of it but the harder I tried to escape the worse it got.

I believe that dreams can be a way to play out situations in life that frustrate us.  Sometimes there's a clarity in them that we don't want to face in the light of day. I have always been afraid of being made to look ridiculous, as I think most of us are. It's humiliating. So is failure. But then everyone is humiliated from time to time and Lord knows, we all fail too. 

Now that the intensity of the dream is fading I'm feeling a peace about it. I think that I've been worrying too much about too many things over which I have no control. I try very hard to not fret, but it keeps creeping back into my brain, unbidden and unwanted. It seems like every couple of weeks I need something that makes it clear to me AGAIN that worrying does no good, and successfully avoiding mistakes all the time is impossible. We all make them and then need to move on.

I believe now that my dream was a blessing.  I spent hours screwing up everything and embarrassing myself over and over again and yet I kept going. I should have found a cave to crawl into, but instead I went on to the next disaster and then the next. In some ways it was a catharsis especially since the people around me didn't even notice my mistakes, I was the one who saw them when no one else could. Thank God my husband was in  my dream, constantly asking me what I was so upset about when as far as he could see I was perfect. 

What it comes down to is this. Pleasing others is difficult, pleasing ourselves is impossible. We know when we screw up, when we should have said something, (or not said something), when we avoid difficult people and situations that need to be dealt with, and when we are harder on ourselves than we need to be. A lot of us work hard at accepting our imperfections, not realizing that it's those things that aren't perfect about us that often makes us lovable and creative.

I don't think I've met one quilter, artist or musician who can't point out the imperfections in their work. We know exactly where they are and unfortunately, the mistakes are the first things we see and hear. Our audience rarely notice or care. Besides, sometimes it's the subtle lapse in perfection that gives the piece it's humanity and touches our hearts in ways a perfect work could not.

Susan

 

FOLLOW THE SIGNS

I have a road themed post over at The Cranky Quilter so I decided 

to continue the theme here with some fun road signs. 

Now, who can resist the bright green "Go" sign?  It makes me want to get up and Go!

Ok, now that we're off and running it's probably a good idea to warn those around us.  Quilting can be dangerous; the pins, the needles, the scissors, the expletives, the rotary cutter blades.  Yes, I think people should be warned of the danger, not only to themselves physically, but also because they just might want to start quilting too!

Before we can really start moving forward we have to let go of the burdens of our past.  If you have W.I.P.s (works in progress), that you know you'll never finish, this is the time to let them go.  Donate them, toss them, have a bonfire in the backyard....it doesn't matter.  The point is to learn how to let go of our learning experiences without guilt.  It isn't necessary to complete every project, sometimes they're just there to teach us something.  So, toss without guilt and move on down the road.

This is a Work in Progress sign.  It looks like this person is shoveling something, perhaps scraps from a marathon rotary cutting session?  Gotta clean up the work space!

 Remember it's always forward, keep moving forward, don't give up!

Even when the road is rocky and there are lots of unexpected obstacles in your way.

Don't even think about making a U-turn.  You're on the road Baby, you're getting there!

Yield to no one!  Snarky comments?  Ignore them! Self doubts?  Kick them in the behind!

Now you've run the course, you've won the race, and you're ready to take your quilt on the road.  Remember not everyone comes out on top, but you can still win if you bet on  "Win, Place, or Show."

Feel the fear, but kick it to the back of the bus!

Susan

IT TAKES ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE TO MAKE A QUILT

I recently joined an online quilting board, called fittingly, www.quiltingboard.com.

What I love about the board is that the quilters there are welcoming and not the least bit snobbish or cliquish.  I'm not saying that that's unusual, but I'd been warned by a publisher of a well known quilting magazine that some of the quilting boards could get pretty nasty.  I don't know why I was surprised by that revelation, but at the time I found it shocking.  Why would anyone get nasty about quilting?

I suppose I shouldn't have been shocked because during my 40+ years of quilting I'd encountered more than a few unhappy people.  I assume they were unhappy, because otherwise why would they be so difficult and annoying?  I've known happy people who can be annoying, (sometimes they're just too darn happy all the time!), but difficult people are notoriously cranky folk who would never be accused of holding a half full glass of anything.

Most quilters I've met seem to genuinely enjoy meeting other quilters and sharing tips, information, and even fabric.  However, as my mother always says, "It takes all kinds of people to make a world."  When she says this I knew she isn't talking about the sweet, easygoing folks.  It's those difficult people in our lives that drive us crazy, and can even drive us away from something, (like quilting), that we love.

I've heard from several people with horror stories of relatives, friends, and fellow quilters who behave like jerks and seem to get a kick out of making other people feel worthless.   I referred to them a few years ago as "Crabby Killjoys" and even made my own flag to wave at them:

After hanging out at quiltingboard.com, I thought about how great it was that I hadn't seen any of the members posting anything other than encouraging comments.  It got me thinking about how we all need to be grateful when we don't run into the crabby killjoys of the quilting world.

Of course, we all know they're out there so I guess it's better to be forewarned.  Here are my least favorite types:

The Quilting Snob

These are the folks who only use the best.  They wouldn't be caught dead shopping at Joann's or sneaking in a print from Hobby Lobby or Walmart.  They support their LQS, and they let everyone know it.  It would be nice to be able to blow a wad of cash on every Japanese print in the store, or to buy the latest machines, or attend all of the big shows and take all of the classes from the most popular teachers.  We'd all love to be able to do that.  However, being able to do it is one thing, but putting people down who can't is quite another.  I hate the "you have to buy from the LQS" lecture, and the "you must buy the ($5,000) machine I own" comments.  Yeah, I'd love to do both, but I like to eat once in a while.  These people can be intimidating because they make a lot of events and classes their little private clubs, and make other people feel unwelcome.  The biggest non-secret about these quilters is that most of them aren't very good.  (Now I'm acting like a quilt snob....yikes!)

The Know-it-All

Ok, some of these are also quilting snobs because they love to lecture.  However, most of them are just your garden variety annoying quilt guild member, relative, or co-worker.  They know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING and they make sure you know it.  Your stitches aren't small enough, or are too small, or that fabric won't work, (and they'll tell you why).  They love to pontificate on how this should be done and how that should be done and how you should never do this that way or should always do it this way.  The fun part is when there are two of them together and they get into a disagreement.  Now, that's quilting gold!  Two know-it-alls finding out that what they think is right isn't, at least to somebody else.  I have no problem with other quilters giving me suggestions but telling me how to do it and where to do it just makes me want to do the opposite even if they are right, (which they are...once in a while!).

The Backstabber

These people often get away with a lot before people catch on to their devious ways.  They are often charming and complimentary, while all the time they're sizing you up and deciding whether or not you're worth worrying about or not.  If you're an average quilter just out and about having a good time, they'll generally leave you alone.  However, if you're talented and any threat to their Queen Bee status they will seriously take you down.  It's usually done subtly and behind the scenes, but before you know it rumors are flying about you and you find yourself persona-non-grata in the guild or local quilting community.  Some of these folks have serious power so if you encounter one, run to another quilting organization as quickly as you can. Even if they haven't set their sites on you, they make everything unpleasant.  

The Quilt Meanie

This person has all of the bad personality traits of the above, with absolutely no redeeming qualities.  They enjoy making people suffer and seek out the weakest and most vulnerable.  Frankly, they're bullies, some of whom are just tremendously unhappy, and some of whom are certifiably mentally ill.  These people need to be weeded out of your life, and any organization they attach themselves to needs to get rid of them too.  Unfortunately, they don't go easily but will sometimes respond to being called out on their behavior.  Of course, if you do call them out you risk them making you their next target. But then, that's what bullies do. 

The fact is that any large group of people is going to have a majority of nice, reasonable folks, with enough annoying, difficult ones to keep things interesting, (not usually in a good way).   I suppose it's human nature, and it makes for great stories to share.  Do share yours in the comments!

Happy Stitching,

Susan

WHEN PIGS FLY

Isn't this flying pig cute?  Her name is Wanda and I created her for my initial Gillygaloofus website.  For those of you who don't know, I'm also a graphic designer and my company was called Gillygaloofus Design Studio, (such a cheerful name, don't you think?).

Anyway, when I started my company in 2008 I was pretty down about myself.  I'd been working for a company for 7 years and they suddenly let me go due to economic issues.  I hadn't done anything wrong, my work was great, but I was still out of a job and feeling a bit lost.  It was a huge loss to me because my job was very creative, and I was constantly having to come up with designs and ideas for all different kinds of things.  It was the job of a lifetime because it offered me so much scope.  I realize now that it was a blessing to be let go because I probably would have spent the rest of my career working for someone else and watching them take the credit for my creativity.  Now, I'm not saying that my boss stole my work or anything, it's more like you're the invisible person in the background and the company gets the credit, not the artist.  It's just the way things are in the business world.

So, when I started my own company I wanted a mascot that made me feel like I could do what seemed impossible to me at the time, be my own person.  Hence Wanda was born!  

Pigs flying is one of those impossible things, and kind of ranks up there with "when Hell freezes over."   The thought that I could run my own business seemed to me as likely as pigs flying and hell freezing. 

As things turned out I ended up doing graphic design for about 10 years.  I wouldn't say that I was a raging success, (it's a tough business), but as it turned out it was a positive experience. At the time I think I was trying to replace my old job, but it was actually a good thing that it didn't end up that way.

I've spent a lot of my life devaluing who I am and what I can do.  I don't blame anyone for that, I think it's a personality trait that I struggle with.  I also know that there are a lot of you out there who struggle with the same thing.

Now that I've gotten older I've begun to realize that I spent way too much time worrying about what other people thought and what other people said to me and what other people thought I should do.  I've learned to make my own decisions and do what I think is right for me, and if I make a mistake, hey, I'm a big girl, I can handle it.

The last thirteen years have been full of big changes. Sometimes when I think back I have to remind myself of the many positive things that have happened.  In many ways it can be discouraging to look back and think you haven't accomplished enough, but I've learned to look at it differently.  The fact is that there are many things in life that are out of our control.  There's only so much you can do about the "drive bys" of life.  Actually, all you can do is deal with them.  So, if you look back and see that you've made some progress towards your goals, and that at the very least you've survived to fight another day.  Hey, that's something to be proud of!

The point I want to make to all of you out there who are struggling with feelings of inadequacy at anything you do, whether it's your cooking or your quilting, let it go!  If you enjoy what you are doing and you aren't hurting anyone else, then go for it.  Don't let the Quilt Meanies get you down, ignore those family members and so called friends that put you down, and surround yourself with people who are nurturing and supportive, people that you can nurture and support in return.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the state of our country and the world and it's occurred to me that there seem to be more "takers" than "givers."  If you only ever take, then you're missing the other part of the equation, the giving part.  That makes you only half the person you should be.  Those of us who try to give and take in more equal measure live happier lives and are better adjusted.  Taking without giving leaves an emptiness in the soul.  And those who only give and never take also have to make an adjustment.  If you never let others give to you, you deny them the pleasure of giving.  It's the cycle of give-and-take that makes relationships work.

Happy Stitching!

Susan  

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PATIENCE

Here's my little dog Indy seated on his favorite chair, which he's destroyed by digging in the back cushion.  It has a slipcover on it and in order to dig he had to rip, and what a good job he's made of it!  Fortunately, the cover was a little oversized to begin with so we can tuck the damage out of sight.  I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that this is the only thing, (besides some stray socks and a few of my son's toys), that he's destroyed.

The amazing thing is that if my son had done the same amount of damage he would have been in big trouble, but since it was Indy, well, we kind of let it go with a big "Bad Dog".  Of course, if it had been a new leather sofa I might have thought differently, (and Indy might be cooling his heels in an outside dog house)!

The reason I bring this up is that I've realized something about the pets I've had in my life,  I've rarely ever gotten really angry at them.  They've done some annoying things, (including Indy deciding that the bed in the guest room was a toilet...fortunately, there was an old blanket folded on top so the mattress wasn't destroyed), but even if I get angry I can't stay that way for long.  An animal is what they are, and in my experience I've never had one do something on purpose to upset me.  

It's the same way I felt about my son when he was very little.  He didn't know what he was doing was wrong until I told him, so how could I get angry at him?  It wasn't like he understood that throwing the phone and the TV remote into a sink full of dishes was not a good idea.  He probably just liked the sound they made as they hit the water, or maybe he thought he was helping me when he saw me put other things in the dishwater.  Who knows?  The one thing I do know for sure is that he didn't know he was doing anything wrong.

I remember when my son was 12 years old and would come home from school with a few new words.  They weren't all nasty words but some of them he was using inappropriately, and others were just not the way we wanted him to talk.  So, as mothers do with 12 year olds, when he'd whip one of those words out in conversation I had a tendency to jump all over him.  He'd look shocked, because he had no idea that that particular word, (which seemed harmless to him), would set me off.  Eventually, I learned to be calmer about it and ask him where he heard the and what he thinks it means, before I explained to him what it really means and that I'd better not hear it again coming from his lips.

What I'm getting at is that sometimes we need to give other people a pass with things that they say and do.  I suspect that 80% of the time when someone does or says something that upsets us it was probably not their intention to do so.  I know I've innocently hurt people's feelings when I hadn't intended to.  

Unless I know for sure that someone is out to get me I try not to take things personally.  I don't always succeed but more times than not something comes out about what happened to make it clear that the slight wasn't intentional, and wouldn't I have felt foolish if I'd made a big deal out of it?

The fact is that if we showed the same amount of patience towards the people in our lives as we do towards our pets, we'd be a lot happier and a lot less stressed out.  That doesn't mean that we have to take abuse, it just means that it's to our benefit to give people the benefit of a doubt until it's proven otherwise. 

Of course, we all know people who are just downright mean and when they say a mean thing they mean it.  If it's at all possible we should cut those people out of our lives.  Who needs to expose themselves to that kind of vicious nonsense?   I know I don't.  When I encounter a meanie I run like the wind.  I don't need that kind of negativity in my life, I produce enough of my own!

What inspired this post is Indy, who is sitting next to me while I'm typing.  I put his little bed there, thinking he'd tuck into it.  However, he's half out of the bed with his head under the laptop desk and his body under my arm, (so I have to type with my hand up...it's going to be so sore later!).  I keep moving him over and he keeps insinuating himself back into his spot, which is as close as he can get to me.  I was getting a little irritated at him but when I moved him he looked up at me with those big brown eyes....so, he's back right next to me again.  I just can't win, those eyes are so cute, and when he looks sad he looks like he did in his animal shelter photo and then I start thinking about him being in that place and . . . well, what can I say, I'm a soft touch!

Now I just need to work on applying my "pet patience" to the rest of the people in my life, including myself!

Susan

THANKS FOR BEING ON THE SHOW

Years ago I worked in an office with a perky young woman.  She had a lot of funny sayings and was always piping up with some kind of catch phrase.  Our favorite was "Thanks for being on the show!"  Now, it's hard to explain what that meant out of context.  She usually said it after a difficult or annoying conversation, or as we were heading out of a particularly dull staff meeting.  It might have been the way she said it or the timing, but it always made me laugh.

When Shakespeare wrote that "all the world's a stage" he was making a very astute observation.  When I was younger I was a lot more aware of being "on."  It seemed like I was always "putting on a show" in my personal or business life.  I never felt comfortable about it, knowing instinctively that it wasn't really "me."

Now that I'm older I've realized that playing a part and trying to fit in to other's preconceived notions of what I "should" be doesn't work.  It's like making a quilt from a pattern instead of doing it freestyle, it's just not who I am.  Sometimes I regret spending so much of my life running from myself, thinking that what I have to offer as the unique human being I am has little value.

I've begun to realize that the only "show" I'm interested in being on is one like "Whose Line is it Anyway?"  My son loved it and we used to watch it in reruns a few times a week.  What I loved about it was it was more like real life than any reality show.  It was a lot more amusing than my life but what do all of us do all day but improvise?  I never know for sure what's coming but I know I'm going to have to find a way to deal with it.  Of course my improv is rarely as amusing, but it's still "mine" and that needs to count for something.

Now, some of you might be thinking that I'm all into "self esteem."  I actually think that many of the things done today with our kids intending to help their self esteem actually harms it.  Awards for doing your homework, (like I would have gotten away with not doing it!), trophies for "participation," and the constant barrage of "you're wonderful just the way you are" and "everyone's the same" and "you can do it!"

This stuff makes me crazy!  Fortunately, my son's sports coaches had a huge problem with unearned trophies.  They didn't get one unless the team earned it.  As far as kids, (or adults), being wonderful just the way they are, well, I'm sure we can all agree that that's not true.  We could all use improvement.  Of course, everyone isn't the same and saying so confuses the heck out of kids.  The fact is that some kids are smarter than others, that some can run faster, hit the ball harder, sing better, be more popular...it's just the way it is.  The American Idol auditions are a prime example of how being told you're great when you aren't can lead to shattering experiences.

As far as "you can do it!" goes, this is a trickier one.  I often tell people that are interested in quilting that they can do it if they take the time and apply themselves.  The problem I have with the term is that it implies to some people, especially kids, that they can do anything they set their minds to.  Now, I'd love to be a singer, but no amount of time and effort will make me one, I stink at it.  I also stink at gymnastics, figure skating, dancing, math, and science.  You could encourage me until the cows come home and I'd still stink.

Of course I'm a wiz at the arts.  I can write and draw and quilt.  I think creatively, most of the time outside of the box.  But ask me to do anything beyond simple algebra, forget it!

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that it's important to take the time to figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are. When you find something that feels comfortable to you, something that you can't imagine not doing, that's what you need to do.

It's how I feel about quilting.  I fell into it when I was about 13 and I haven't looked back since.  Oh, I've tried different things, I did "fine arts" like drawing and painting.  I flirted with so many other crafts I can't even begin to tell you which ones.  But, I always came back to quilting, and began integrating everything I learned into the one art form.

I encourage all of you to focus on what brings you bliss, improvise when you must, and remember that you have unique gifts to give to the world.

Oh, and thanks for being on the show!

Susan

FICTION FRIDAY ON QUILTLIT

 

Click on the image above to read the latest 
installment of "A Piece of Work" on Quiltlit.