YOU'RE FABULOUS!

 

I usually write about dealing with our own problems with self esteem and dealing with difficult people. Today I want to discuss how you can make others' lives better by letting them know how much you appreciate them. 

I have this thing where sometimes I get a strong feeling about a particular person. I call it "on my heart." It means that this person isn't just on my mind, but I feel a calling to do something nice for them.

Sometimes that means I'll send a gift, or shoot them an email, but most of the time I call them. 

Nowadays everyone has their phone with them, but it doesn't always make them more available. I like to send them a text or email and ask them for a convenient time to call. I have one friend I call a couple of times a year, and we set a date and time and end up talking for hours.

It's important to let those you care about know how fabulous you think they are! Too many people get only negative feedback. When something goes well, it's quiet. But if there's a problem, it can get loud and nasty. It's no wonder so many people feel they can't do anything right. When you never get an affirmation, it's very easy to believe that you're worthless.

Nothing feels better than to hear from a friend or acquaintance who's calling to let you know how much they appreciate you. The call doesn't have to be hours long, and if you can't get ahold of them directly you can always leave a message telling them how fabulous they are and how much you'd like to hear from them. Odds are, they'll call you back.

Wouldn't you love to get a call like that? Wouldn't it be wonderful if a fellow guild member called you to let you know how much they enjoyed your presentation, or your latest quilt? It's amazing how a few kind words can make all the difference to someone who struggles with self esteem, or who feels like they can't ever do anything right.  You can bet they'll be floating on air for a while.

The best part of this is that it will make you feel good too.  Who knows? You could end up starting a chain reaction mutual admiration society!

Make a call and make someone's day!

Susan

FICTION FRIDAY ON QUILTLIT

 

Click on the image above to read the latest 

installment of "A Piece of Work" on Quiltlit.

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

I love this cartoon because it reminds me of my worst nightmare.  Now, you might say, why would you love it then?  Well, it's because it makes me laugh about it!

I don't know about you but it's been many, (and I mean MANY), years since I've gone to school.  Even now, after all this time, I still have those school nightmares.  You know, the ones where you discover you have a final in a course you didn't even know you were taking?  Or, when you discover you've been sitting in the wrong classroom for months, or you're naked, or you just realize you're supposed to be at school and you aren't?  This cartoon reminds me of all of those dreams, along with the real life experiences I've had of discovering that I'd completely misunderstood something.

What I think is most telling about this is that although the student with the play-dough is obviously mortified, none of the other students seems to notice.  That's the way many of our most embarrassing moments have probably played out, but we were so upset that we didn't notice how little other people cared.

I got over being embarrassed years ago when I had a problem with my balance.  When I was in junior college one of my ears completely plugged up.  Since it came upon me slowly, I didn't really notice the lack of hearing, but after a while it began to affect my balance.  I'd never been particularly clumsy but all of a sudden I was falling over and as young people do, just assumed that I had embarked on a new stage of my life, clumsy Susan.

Now, this happened to be going on during the Olympics and for some reason I started giving myself points for my falls.  It became kind of a running routine, if I fell, I'd say "that was an 8.7" and everyone, including myself, would laugh.  Once I had a fairly spectacular fall where somehow I managed to do a full turn before ending up on my back. For that one, I got style points!

Now, if I was falling like that now I'd be in the hospital, but I was 18 years old and just jumped up and dusted myself off.  I realized that the people around me were usually concerned if I was OK, and then we'd all have a good laugh together about how "graceful" I was.  It was then that I discovered that being able to laugh at myself was my best weapon against embarrassment.

Once my ear problem was resolved I stopped falling over all the time, but I transferred that way of dealing with it into other aspects of my life.  I won't say that I haven't been embarrassed since, but it's become a lot easier to deal with it when it happens.

I've also come to the realization that, just like the other students in the cartoon, many times the people around us don't think twice about our "embarrassing" moments.  People have their own lives and troubles, and tend to forget about what happens to others to focus on their own "embarrassing" moments.

So, if you're afraid of being embarrassed about something, just laugh it off, and remember, everyone, I don't care who they are, have had embarrassing moments too.

So, try not to dwell on it and it will soon be forgotten,

Oh, and if anyone thinks it's funny to keep bringing it up, ignore them. If they don't get a reaction from you they'll soon give up. If they still continue to bring it up, they'll be the person who should be embarrassed.

Susan

 

MODESTY vs. HUMILITY

The big thing now is "self esteem" which for years educators thought was so important to inculcate into our children.  Well, now they've discovered that it might not be the be-all and end-all they thought it was.  Turns out the people with the highest self esteem are in prison!  So much for that concept.

I remember being taught modesty and humility as a child.  Modesty is a difficult concept for many people.  It isn't about knocking yourself down, it's about knowing your worth, but not bragging about it.  A person's modesty about their achievements isn't an indication that those achievements have less value.  It's actually the opposite.  A person is modest because they're pleased with themselves but are polite enough not to lord it over others.  A modest person will accept compliments easily, but won't go on and on about how great they are.  They're confident in their abilities and let them stand on their own without embellishment.

Humility is different.  One is humbled by the realization of their good fortune.  If, for instance you're involved in a quilting competition with many talented artists, you may be humbled by being chosen as the winner.  Humility comes from our very real human sense that we are not entirely responsible for our good fortune.  That's why when someone wins an award they thank others, and sometimes God for assistance to get to that place.  So, we're humbled by our feeling that "we're not worthy" because we appreciate the talents of others and all of the help we've received to get where we are.

I use American Idol a lot as an example of so many things. I've noticed that whenever there's a contestant who is convinced they're the next American Idol, (not modest and not humble), they usually have no talent at all.  It's generally the quiet ones, (modest and humble), who come out and blow everyone away. 

I believe that there's a difference between those who are gifted and those who are not.  A gifted person views their gifts as part of themselves, they may struggle with how to deal with the results of their gifts, but the gifts are accepted by them for what they are.  It's those that don't have those gifts that have to puff themselves up and make pronouncements about how great they are.

That's why you'll notice that the least talented people are the most vocal about their work, while those who are talented take it as a matter of course.

Remember this when you're dealing with other quilters.  If you're the timid sort you might be intimidated by the loudmouths, who always know better, and always have something negative to say about everyone else's work.  These people are rarely talented.  They may be able to execute well, but it's doubtful their quilts "sing." 

It takes a modest and humble heart to receive the gifts of inspiration.  A person who is always tooting their own horn is usually desperately trying to get the attention they crave.  Let your work speak for itself.   That doesn't mean that you have to sit there quietly and let others walk all over you.  It means that you can hold your head up, confident that you've done your best, and humbled by the other talent around you. 

Susan 

GET OVER YOURSELF

 

I've never been the kind of person to toot my own horn, but that doesn't have anything to do with how I actually feel about my talents and abilities.

Like most creative people, I have a love/hate relationship with myself. There are times when I wonder how I manage to put one foot in front of the other.  But then there are times when I think I truly am the "bees knees."

It's very difficult to formulate a realistic and unbiased opinion of yourself and your talents.  We've all seen those American Idol auditions when people who can't carry a tune think they can win it all.  Of course, they're all young people and frankly, getting your bubble burst is part of growing up.  If you haven't been humiliated a few times by the time you're thirty, you aren't trying hard enough!

Getting to the place where you can be truly honest with yourself is a difficult and time consuming process.  Sometimes you'll encounter a very young person with that capacity, but mostly you find it in middle aged and older folks, those that have been around long enough to be "up" and "down" and who know that nothing lasts forever and change is normal, and that a good kick in the pants now and then isn't necessarily a bad thing.

For artists it's more complicated.  It's only in the arts that someone's emotional life is so tied up with ones "work" life.  Those of us who do art for a living aren't just dealing with nay sayers that annoy us, we're dealing with critics that pay our bills.  It's a different dynamic.

Which is why it's important to develop a thicker skin.  Dealing with criticism is part of life but dealing with it well is an art form in and of itself.  Truly successful people in the arts are those that can take the criticism, examine themselves and their work honestly, then make adjustments as necessary.  Not all criticism is meant to be hurtful, it's often meant to be helpful.

Of course, when you're the one being criticised it's natural to take it personal.  For years I rolled my eyes at my mother's insistence that I need to be a better seamstress.  My ideas were great but my execution really sucked.  However, I was young and just wanted to create, I didn't think the way I did it was so bad, and I wasn't interested in taking the time and the effort it would take to improve my sewing skills.

Over time I realized that my lack of sewing skills made it difficult for me to do what I really wanted to do.  So, I took several classes and then spent years perfecting my techniques to where I'm now at the point that I'm comfortable doing anything with a needle and thread. 

After all these years I give my Mom the credit for criticising my work.  If she had been the kind of mother who praised me no matter what I did I might have continued living in my delusion and wondering why I wasn't getting anywhere as a textile artist.  Even though I thought I was ignoring her criticism, it was always there, niggling at me, and I'm so glad I finally paid attention. 

Even now as a middle aged semi-successful artist, I still struggle with getting over myself.  I have to fight the "it's all about me" reactions I have to things.  When my work isn't accepted with overwhelming joy I have to fight the urge to not take it personally, and when I have some success I don't work too hard at patting myself on the back...although I do enjoy it.

Creativity brings joy, but it can also bring heartache.  It's difficult to find the middle ground, where the heartache is minimized and the joy is tempered with the realization that it won't last forever.  There's always another challenge, and I think for us artists it's as much about facing the challenge as it is about meeting it.

So, if you're a beginning quilter, try not to let the criticism get you down.  Learn what you can from it, and enjoy your successes.  Try to be realistic about your skills, and don't expect too much from yourself.  It's a process that takes time and practice.  So get over yourself and have some fun!

And don't let the turkeys get you down....

Susan

MAKING MISTAKES

 

“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.”     - Mary Pickford

I'm like everyone else.  I hate mistakes!  I hate them when I make them, when my son makes them, when my husband makes them, heck, I hate them when anyone makes them!

Mistakes are a real pain and it's easy enough to get really upset with yourself when you make one.  Perfection is impossible to maintain, and frankly it's not very open to creativity.  So, if you want to be a creative quilter then you have to be able to deal with the dark side of creativity....mistakes!

While I was working on a recent quilt I made 3 different mistakes in the piecing and cutting;

1) I cut one of the sides of a block at the seamline not the cutting line. So, I had to recut all the pieces and remake the block.

2)  I stitched one piece to another with its' right side out.  Duh!

3) I used a long strip where I should have used a shorter one, and ended up having to cut another piece Double Duh!

These are the more major of the many minor boo boos I made, and that's just in putting together a 24" x 16" quilt top.  Can you imagine how many I would make on a full sized quilt?  Now you know why I don't make them anymore.  Frankly, just the thought of it gives me a massive headache!

My point is that I've been quilting since the early 70s and I made that many mistakes on a simple piecing project.  I'm very cautious and try very hard to make sure that I'm doing things correctly, but even I screw up, and on a fairly regular basis.

However, just because I made a mistake it doesn't mean that I failed.  It also doesn't mean that I'm an idiot.  It just means that whenever you do anything the risk is there that you won't do it perfectly.  Big Whoop!

All I can say is that if I quit quilting based on my mistakes I wouldn't have finished one piece.  I probably would have given up in 1975.

That's what I love about the quote from Mary Pickford shown above.  Failure isn't based on your mistakes, it's based on your inability to rise above them.  So what, you made a mistake, fix it and move on.  If you give up because something's too hard then you'll never conquer it, and in so doing prove to yourself that you really can do it after all.

I grew up in a house where there was a lot of music.  My brother played piano and would practice for hours, the same piece, over and over again.  In the beginning there were tons of mistakes, with lots of cringing from the rest of the family.  But then, as he worked through the piece, he conquered the mistakes, one by one, and after hours and hours of practice he could play the piece perfectly, (until he made a mistake).

It's the same with quilting, we spend years practicing and honing our skills.  We figure out how to fix our mistakes and avoid them in the future.  We read books, attend classes, and talk to other quilters.  We amass tips and techniques, and all the while on a steady basis, we continue to make mistakes.  I would bet you that if you asked any highly regarded celebrity quilter, (who was honest), if they still made simple mistakes, they'd laugh and say, "everyday!" 

I love the old saying that if you aren't making mistakes then you aren't trying hard enough.  So, go out there and make some quilting mistakes today, fix them, move on, and make some more! 

Susan

Oh, and by the way, if you look carefully at the "Oops" graphic at the top of the post you'll notice a black mark on the left side of the "S." That's what you call a Photoshop mistake! 

I AM HAPPY BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES ME

When I saw this vintage cat illustration my first reaction was, “How cute!”. Then when I read the text my heart sank.

“I’m happy because everyone loves me”

How sad is that? To only be able to be happy because everyone loves you?

Like everyone I want to be loved.  Who doesn’t? It used to be one of the main reasons I took up blogging. I got followers and a mention in a magazine. It was great that so many people liked my blogs.

However, I’m sure that there were other people who didn’t like me or my blogs.  I admit I can be an acquired taste.  I’m naturally shy so a lot of people think I’m stuck up until they get to know me. My sense of humor isn’t always everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m sometimes too honest when I shouldn’t be. Like everyone else I know I’m far from perfect and the chastisement I give myself on a regular basis is proof of that. I know I don’t know everything and I don’t pretend to. 

This blog means the most to me because it’s a place I can share what I’ve learned about myself, life, and quilting. I’m no spring chicken so I’ve been around long enough to know that everyone loving you is an impossible dream and not worth striving for.

Humans are complicated and love is the most complicated emotion. I have friends that I would trust with every secret, and others I consider to be friends that I don’t share my secrets with. I’ve learned that even good people have weaknesses. They intend to keep your secrets but aren’t capable of it.  Their need to feel important means they could sell you out in a second without realizing it.

It’s one of the reasons I avoid gossip and gossipers. My mother always said that if they’re telling you someone else’s secrets they’ll almost certainly tell yours. You cannot trust them.

I’ve learned to be leery of those who want to be friends too quickly. These are the kind of people who can be great fun but who then take it too far. They text you too much or call you too much or want to get together too often. They’re exhausting.

There are also those who claim to love you because you’re doing nice things for them, or agreeing with them, or taking their side.  The minute you stop being their “friend” in the way they want you to be their “friend,” (which basically means they come first), you will realize you were never friends with them to begin with.

We’ve all had experiences with takers. They’re seductive because they praise you to the moon when you help them. You think that’s how they feel about you. The fact is that most of these people would praise anyone who did what they wanted them to do, and if you didn’t do it they’d find someone else who would.

There are also the social climbing types.  The ones who want to be with you because of the people you know. I’ve had this experience and found it amusing as the people they wanted to get close to I hardly knew. It wasn’t like my recommendation would have moved these folks to let someone into their circle. The only reason they tolerated me is because they knew I had no interest in becoming part of their “in crowd.” I thought this was strange when it happened in high school, but it’s even odder now that I’m in my sixties.

The point is that everyone can’t love you because there are too many people out there who only love themselves. They meet their own needs first and aren’t capable of being a friend in the truest sense of the word. Their “love” is the kind of love you don’t need.

It’s trite to say that you have to love yourself. I think it’s more pertinent to say that you have to make choices that make you lovable to yourself and to others. If you’re making bad decisions and running around messing up your life and bringing others along for the ride, then you don’t deserve even your own love.

When you notice people avoiding you, you might want to ask yourself the question, what am I doing to cause people to not like me? Am I annoying, rage-filled, full of myself, do I talk too much and listen too little, do I always have to be the center of attention? Take a deep look into yourself and your behavior. You may owe some people an apology. You also owe yourself to take the time to figure out what you’re doing wrong, and most importantly, why you’re doing it.

We’ve all been through periods of time when we aren’t our best and there’s no way everyone loves us. That’s normal.  The important thing is to be aware of when it happens and fix it as soon as possible. Be honest with yourself and those around you. Own it.

When you do, you have the opportunity to give love in an honest way, and odds are you’ll receive the same in return.  Just not from everyone.

Susan