I AM HAPPY BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES ME

When I saw this vintage cat illustration my first reaction was, “How cute!”. Then when I read the text my heart sank.

“I’m happy because everyone loves me”

How sad is that? To only be able to be happy because everyone loves you?

Like everyone I want to be loved.  Who doesn’t? It used to be one of the main reasons I took up blogging. I got followers and a mention in a magazine. It was great that so many people liked my blogs.

However, I’m sure that there were other people who didn’t like me or my blogs.  I admit I can be an acquired taste.  I’m naturally shy so a lot of people think I’m stuck up until they get to know me. My sense of humor isn’t always everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m sometimes too honest when I shouldn’t be. Like everyone else I know I’m far from perfect and the chastisement I give myself on a regular basis is proof of that. I know I don’t know everything and I don’t pretend to. 

This blog means the most to me because it’s a place I can share what I’ve learned about myself, life, and quilting. I’m no spring chicken so I’ve been around long enough to know that everyone loving you is an impossible dream and not worth striving for.

Humans are complicated and love is the most complicated emotion. I have friends that I would trust with every secret, and others I consider to be friends that I don’t share my secrets with. I’ve learned that even good people have weaknesses. They intend to keep your secrets but aren’t capable of it.  Their need to feel important means they could sell you out in a second without realizing it.

It’s one of the reasons I avoid gossip and gossipers. My mother always said that if they’re telling you someone else’s secrets they’ll almost certainly tell yours. You cannot trust them.

I’ve learned to be leery of those who want to be friends too quickly. These are the kind of people who can be great fun but who then take it too far. They text you too much or call you too much or want to get together too often. They’re exhausting.

There are also those who claim to love you because you’re doing nice things for them, or agreeing with them, or taking their side.  The minute you stop being their “friend” in the way they want you to be their “friend,” (which basically means they come first), you will realize you were never friends with them to begin with.

We’ve all had experiences with takers. They’re seductive because they praise you to the moon when you help them. You think that’s how they feel about you. The fact is that most of these people would praise anyone who did what they wanted them to do, and if you didn’t do it they’d find someone else who would.

There are also the social climbing types.  The ones who want to be with you because of the people you know. I’ve had this experience and found it amusing as the people they wanted to get close to I hardly knew. It wasn’t like my recommendation would have moved these folks to let someone into their circle. The only reason they tolerated me is because they knew I had no interest in becoming part of their “in crowd.” I thought this was strange when it happened in high school, but it’s even odder now that I’m in my sixties.

The point is that everyone can’t love you because there are too many people out there who only love themselves. They meet their own needs first and aren’t capable of being a friend in the truest sense of the word. Their “love” is the kind of love you don’t need.

It’s trite to say that you have to love yourself. I think it’s more pertinent to say that you have to make choices that make you lovable to yourself and to others. If you’re making bad decisions and running around messing up your life and bringing others along for the ride, then you don’t deserve even your own love.

When you notice people avoiding you, you might want to ask yourself the question, what am I doing to cause people to not like me? Am I annoying, rage-filled, full of myself, do I talk too much and listen too little, do I always have to be the center of attention? Take a deep look into yourself and your behavior. You may owe some people an apology. You also owe yourself to take the time to figure out what you’re doing wrong, and most importantly, why you’re doing it.

We’ve all been through periods of time when we aren’t our best and there’s no way everyone loves us. That’s normal.  The important thing is to be aware of when it happens and fix it as soon as possible. Be honest with yourself and those around you. Own it.

When you do, you have the opportunity to give love in an honest way, and odds are you’ll receive the same in return.  Just not from everyone.

Susan

 

WORRYWART

 

worrywart

[ wur-ee-wawrt, wuhr- ]

noun: a person who tends to worry habitually and often needlessly.

Are you a worrywart?

I used to be a horrible worrier.  I'd lie in bed at night thinking of all of the things that could go wrong and convincing myself that they would.  Then I'd go through all of the possible scenarios, and figure out a way to react to each, and then I'd get worried about my reaction.  If this thing that could happen did happen, then would my possible reaction to it be the right one, or not?

When the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" came out I remember thinking, "Yeah, really, like I could ever stop worrying!" It was second nature to me, like breathing. I always felt like there was a disaster around every corner, and maybe if I just worried enough it wouldn't happen.  Now, that makes sense!

There are times when we can't avoid worrying. If a loved one is sick, or your pet is missing, or you're waiting for test results from your doctor. Those are legitimate reasons. But the fact is that worrying won't change your loved one's condition, or find your pet, or give you the test results you're hoping for. 

So, don't worry.

So much easier to say than do! There have been times in my life when I was obsessed with worry. I think we've all been there, especially when it comes to our kids. I was blessed with a great kid who did well in school and never got in any real trouble. Did that stop my worrying about him? Of course not! He's a college senior now, a young adult taking care of himself away from Mom and Dad. He doesn't drink or do drugs, has a great set of friends, and keeps in touch with us on a daily basis. Do I still worry? Of course I do!

I constantly remind myself that worry does no one any good. My worrying won't change a thing, and makes me feel miserable. So why won't I give it up?

It's simple, really. For some stupid reason I think that I have control over not only my own life, but over the lives of others. That's what it's all about. It's almost like we think if we aren't worrying we're jinxing the ones we love. I know people who wear their worrying habits like a badge of honor, or a means to make someone else feel bad. When we say "I was so worried about you!" it can sound like a chastisement. Like causing us worry is somehow their fault.

Sounds crazy doesn't it?

Well, it is, but so are many of the things we humans do. We have the foolish notion that we have control over our lives. There are some things we can control but it's the ones we can't that make our lives miserable with worry. Which, when you look at it logically, makes no sense. Why waste time worrying about something you can't control?

My father had a wonderful way of dealing with this. Whenever he had a problem that he saw no clear solution to, or something over which he had no control, he used to say "Let it play out." Life experience had taught him that worrying did nothing but keep him from a good night's sleep, most of the time for no reason. By standing back and letting situations resolve themselves, (as they usually do), he avoided two things; worry and mistakes. 

My father passed away six years ago, but those words stay with me. When I find myself worrying about something beyond my control I try to stop worrying and step back and see what happens. I need to accept that I can't control everything, and I probably shouldn't considering how many mistakes I make. I prefer to think that God has a plan and maybe I should stay out of his way.

The fact is that I'm old enough now to know that there's only so much I can do. Too much of life is beyond our control. I regret all the time I've spent worrying, (and still spend worrying), they've been and are a total waste of time.

This last year has been terribly difficult for everyone. Some people have been paralyzed with fear of losing their lives, or the life of a loved one to Covid. Many people have. Would worrying have changed any of that? No. All we could do was take precautions and hope for the best. I guess that's the lesson here. You do your best to lessen risk, but ultimately, you have no control of what the future holds.

I've lost two immediate family members in the last six years. My father, and my older brother, (who I've now outlived by two years). I worried about both of them, but it didn't stop my father from dying from Alzheimer's nor my brother having a massive heart attack. Maybe my worrying skills weren't up to par, or maybe life had other plans. 

I prefer to think that if we could control everything the world would be a very safe yet very boring place. Before we sent our son off to college I told him that if I was in charge I'd wrap him up in cotton wool and put him in my pocket so he would always be with me. But, that would be no life for him. So, I said, "know your mom will worry, but don't let it stop you from following your dreams."

I'm saying that to all of you. I know worry rears it's ugly head because it's always looking at me, (and it's ugly!), but try to enjoy your life without it as much as you can.  All we have here on earth is a limited amount of time, spending it worrying is spending it unwisely. 

Besides, we can't let it stop us from following our dreams.

Susan

DESIGN REVIEW

The other day I was shopping and had an interesting experience.  I actually heard myself talking to myself inside my head!

Now, that's not unusual, we do it all of the time, but for some reason it struck me that it wasn't really "me" speaking, but a horrible bully.  You see, I heard my voice be dismissive of my opinion and I wondered why I was listening to it.

Do you have an internal bully? Over the years I've had several experiences like the one I described above. I'll be working on a project, or dealing with a difficult situation, and I hear that horrible bully rear it's ugly head.

"You don't know what you're doing!"

"Why did you say that?"

"You need to work harder."

"Look at how you screwed that up."

"What's wrong with you?"

Yikes!  It's no wonder that like almost everyone else I struggle with low self esteem. How can I actually be a good person, an artist, a good employee, a loving spouse and mother if I'm so useless?

Most people have this same chatterbox chattering away at them all day.  Re-examining every word and action, rehashing and editing conversations and interactions that didn't go as planned. Everything is up for review, what you wear, who you hang out with, what TV programs you watch, food you eat, places you go... it never ends.

Years ago when I worked as a graphic designer I had to go through what our company called "Design Review." Before anything left the building it had to be approved by a group of executives, most of whom knew little about design, and several whose taste was questionable.  Having to present my work and justify it being approved was often a traumatic experience.  At least in the beginning.

It didn't take too long for me to realize that there were different personalities in the room. A few were up-to-date on trends and always looking for the new thing. They generally sided with me. Then there were those who were determined to have their voices heard and hated literally everything. They seemed to enjoy finding little "issues" here and there and were the kind who didn't understand that what they were looking at was a mock-up.  There were those who always sided with one or the other, trying to figure out from the comments which side to take. The most powerful people were probably the easiest. I knew if I won them over, I could move on. However, they would often seem hesitant to make a decision. I'd find myself giving my opinion on why something worked or didn't and why. I had to be very prepared for any kind of assault, color (was it on-trend), style (traditional or modern or funky...my favorite!), and message, which I always aimed at the final decision makers. I had gotten to know them well and had figured out which approach to use to get them to swing my way.

I also had the advantage that I was born with a creative brain that could create on the spot. It wasn't unusual for me to give them multiple options addressing their concerns. Over the years I got better and better at this and rarely left Design Review without an approval. When I left the company they struggled with their new designer. I'm sure it took her a while to figure them out.

The reason I tell this story is because I often realize that my internal bully is another version of Design Review. I try to live my life believing that I make the best decisions I can. I know I'm not perfect, but sometimes perfection isn't the point.  Sometimes it's about moving forward and knowing you need to approach things differently.

The truth is that I have the ultimate power to decide what works for me. I am the powerful person in this equation.

In the same way I handled Design Review I try to manage my chatterbox. I listen to the things that make sense, knowing that I don't ever do everything right. At the same time I try to avoid the voice inside of me that always finds something wrong. Those internal voices that seem to enjoy finding little "issues" here and there and don't understand that they're reviewing a life in progress, a mock-up.

Frankly, we all have a "mock-up" of ourselves floating around in our minds. We think about what we could be and where we could go, only to discover that we need to dispose of part of our mock-up, (that failed relationship, crappy job, or quilt that just didn't work), and make changes that will make our lives better. The great thing about mock-ups is that they aren't intended to be perfect or permanent. They reflect where we want to go at a particular point in time. Things change, and we should continuously review where we are and make adjustments to our dreams.

The last thing we need to do is let that internal bully affect our decisions. However, there's nothing wrong in being honest with ourselves. Maybe we do need to eat better, stop dating that jerk, and get ourselves a new job. Sometimes there are adjustments that need to be made. 

I believe we should continually review our lives in order to make positive choices to get us where we want to be. It does us no good to beat ourselves up over the past, or about things we can't control, or even our own weaknesses that we acknowledge but aren't ready to deal with.

There's no reason you can't do what I'm learning to do.  Go into your internal Design Review with your head held high, confident that you'll get approved. And, when you leave with that approval, (albeit with a few adjustments), you can pat yourself on the back and say, "Well done!"

Susan

WELCOME

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”           -Marianne Williamson

  

Hello Everyone! 

Quilting is one of those crafts where everyone's an expert, (or thinks they are!).  It involves a complex set of skills and steps and can seem overly complicated and difficult if it's approached in the wrong way.  

To be a quilter you need to be able to make a good fabric selection, pattern choice, cut accurately and on grain, sew straight even seams, press well, (and know how to press when), match points, maintain the proper 90 degree angles on blocks and the overall quilt, piece backings, baste layers, quilt by hand or machine, and apply binding while mitering corners.

Whew!  I don't know about you but I'm tired just explaining it!

Now imagine what happens when you're trying to learn all of these things?  Wouldn't it be overwhelming?  Besides the fact that many quilters belong to guilds or groups and get "advice" from everyone they know who's even seen a quilt.  Not to mention the “quilt police” who are everywhere. It can be disheartening and intimidating.  It doesn't need to be.

I'm hoping that Fraidy Cat Quilters will be a place people can come to ask questions, talk through problems, and address their own issues without rancor, with humor, and a touch of humility from us veterans.  Besides, sometimes we just need a place to vent!

I started this blog in 2011, but ended up having to give it up because, as it often does, life got in the way. Now that I’m retired and my son is an adult, I have more time, and hopefully more knowledge and experience. So, the plan is to post here every couple of days or so, and an open thread for those who want to share their experiences, and vent if they need to.

Everyone needs encouragement and deserves to be treated with respect. For that reason I will be moderating comments and anything derogatory in any way will be deleted and the commenter may be blocked. I want this to be a safe space where the goal is to be encouraging and respectful. We all have a lot we can learn from each other.

I look forward to getting to know all of you and encourage you to comment just to let me know you're there!  I used to think it was whiny when bloggers kept asking for comments but I've come to realize that it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.  I don't mind being "a voice crying in the wilderness" but it would be a lot more fun with a little company.

Since it’s been ten years since I posted here last, I’m going to be updating and republishing some of my old posts. I’ve been reading them and realized that a lot has changed in ten years, but our lives still contain the same types of issues and problems. There are still bullies, and bossy people, and those who really should just keep their big mouths shut and mind their own business. It’s a shame.

So, I hope you will enjoy stopping by and getting a dose of encouragement and even some peace knowing you aren’t the only one struggling with one thing or another. We’ve all been there, more than once.

In the past I’ve received some great emails from readers with wonderful questions and some really sad stories. If you email me I will answer back, and I will never publish anything you don’t give me permission to publish. I’m not a therapist or any kind of expert. I’m just someone who’s “been there, done that” and wants to encourage others to not let the turkeys get you down.

If you want to contact me directly you can email me at susanatgillygaloofus@gmail.com

Below is our first "open thread," let's get the ball rolling by coming up with some great topics to discuss in future threads.

Susan

ABOUT ME

 

Welcome to Fraidy Cat Quilters! 

My name is Susan O’Connell, and I started this blog back in 2011.

 
When I started this blog I had another blog called "The Cranky Quilter," which I had started in 2009. I was thrilled when it was named one of the top 50 Quilting Blogs by Quilter's Home Magazine. I enjoyed writing about quilting and showing my work on "The Cranky Quilter," but something else was calling me.

From time to time on "The Cranky Quilter" I'd write an article about something that was bothering me. A rude clerk at an LQS, a comment I heard a quilter make about another, but mostly it was about how people aren't kind to each other enough. Whenever I wrote one of those pieces there would be lots of comments and I'd even get personal emails from people who had been hurt by others denigrating them in one way or another.

I was fortunate not to be bullied as a child.  Part of it is that my older brother was very protective and one of the biggest kids at school, and frankly part of it was me. For some reason even as a young child I didn't let the bullies bother me. If they did I'd just ignore them. I actually remember a few cases when someone would say something nasty and my response was, "Is that the best you've got?"

Why I was like this I have no idea. I was terribly shy, and yet I had no problem standing up for myself and defending my friends. There is nothing that makes me angrier than someone thinking it's OK to attack another person for any reason.  If you have a disagreement, talk it out. But attacking someone just to make them feel small and you feel powerful is not going to fly with me.

I had to give up this blog ten years ago. Life became more complicated, I was asked to be part of a new business opportunity, and my family suffered several rounds of illnesses and deaths. Somehow, quilting and my blogging life faded into the background.

It's 11 years later and I'm post-menopausal, retired, and have a lot more years of life experience. The years haven't always been kind, but I'm still standing, (and quilting), and I still have a lot to say.

 
I've been quilting for at least 45 years, and am barely in my sixth decade of life. A few years ago our family moved to a small rural community in Oregon from our suburban home in the Bay Area. We love it here in our house on the hill; 20 acres, a barn, great neighbors, and finally, my own quilt studio!

One thing that hasn't changed is my passion for encouraging others to pursue their dreams, and to stand up for themselves and others. Life is tough enough without having to deal with bullies of any kind, even the biggest one we live with every day, ourselves.

I am an artist first and foremost, and so am inspired by what I see. The graphics I design for this blog are often the starting point for my articles. I see something that makes me think, and off I go. I hope you will enjoy the journey with me.

Starting April 1, 2021, I intend to post a new article every other day. An open thread will be available every day for those who wish to participate. I intend to drop in often so if you have questions, that's a great place to start.

You can also reach me at my email address, susanatgillygaloofus@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Susan